i was vulnerable once.

if i'd known you then, maybe things would be different. i could say things like, "i love the way you make me laugh," or admit that i'd try to remember what your lips feel like through the day--i still do, even though now i'm not supposed to.

a woman told me yesterday not to fall in love with someone you don't know, because even though adrenaline is amazing, it wears you down and leaves you bruised.

i don't feel particularly eloquent right now. i'm sad, i'm stuck, i'm not sure if i'm in love, but i'm really not sure what i'm doing. i need a nap.

once again

i felt your hand, familiar
as it slid around my waist
i recognized the lines that i helped
paint across your face
i let you treat me badly
i let you misbehave
i kissed your lips as if the pressing
kissed the hurt away

i loved and i love
but i want to grow up
i don't want to live in
this never never land
my love deserves
conditions
the longer i see you
the more i want to go

we've reaped what we've sown, we've stumbled home
we've seen some wondrous days
i held your hand through some stormy storms
but i must be on my way
you let me treat you badly
you let me misbehave
you kissed my lips as if the pressing
kissed the hurt away

i loved and i love
but i can’t fix this up
i don’t want to live in
this endless feedback loop
my love deserves
conditions
and there will be
other people to love

the longer i see you, the more i want to go.

the voice in my head is slowly becoming mine, as i divest from all the people i loved that i let treat me badly because i wanted to make their lives better. i am not interested in seeing them anymore, i don't miss their skin, i don't want their approval, and i don't constantly want to give them mine. i'm tired of pandering to their whims, i'm tired of keeping my neck out. vulnerability is something that needs to be earned.

i want to move on with my life. i want to be a grown up, not torn between the drama of my unhappy generation and that undying angst of trying to find everlasting, unconditional love. my love deserves conditions. i deserve to be happy.

sometimes, things get to be just about me. and the more i think that way, the closer i am to being good.