Monday
Sunday
wistful
i think everyone wants the same thing in the end.
magnetic attraction,
amazing rapport,
ultimate understanding,
to feel completely accepted,
trust
everything else -
the dealbreakers, the wishlists, the "types"
these are up for compromise
this is why people explain away bad behavior
trust can be called predictability
acceptance,
understanding, misinterpreted silence
rapport and
magnetic attraction
must be practiced, gets lazy
and the problem is,
i feel like i'm willing to work for it
(though i'm not sure if i'm ready still)
but it has to be two-sided
and trust is the hardest to find:
no more forgiving breaches of trust
i still want everything
that's only 5 things so i don't feel like it's too much to ask.
magnetic attraction,
amazing rapport,
ultimate understanding,
to feel completely accepted,
trust
everything else -
the dealbreakers, the wishlists, the "types"
these are up for compromise
this is why people explain away bad behavior
trust can be called predictability
acceptance,
understanding, misinterpreted silence
rapport and
magnetic attraction
must be practiced, gets lazy
and the problem is,
i feel like i'm willing to work for it
(though i'm not sure if i'm ready still)
but it has to be two-sided
and trust is the hardest to find:
no more forgiving breaches of trust
i still want everything
that's only 5 things so i don't feel like it's too much to ask.
i am haunted
friday night i came home. my apartment was a sauna. my home is still
a white box. furniture without me. personality has not yet moved in. i
am drinking too much lately. i'm listening to sad songs. keep thinking
of the lyrics here's to pretty girls/that went to our heads/here's to witty
girls who went to our beds. i am not easy. but i feel unmourned. i feel
as if i will always be left behind. second thoughts unhad. i am haunted
by the baby he didn't have. wondering if i still have that dream. am still
wondering if i can forgive. am crying myself to sleep. am drinking too
much. still constantly wanting connection. still missing the last failure.
i put myself to bed. after 3? 4? glasses of red wine. after 2 beers. after 3
tall glasses of champagne. i ate chinese. i wasn't exactly his type. i still
try to get used to single. i should be single. i took a cold shower. i turned
off lights and collapsed naked into bed. water evaporates. also puts off
the sweating. and he came to me. he was laughing, and we were happy.
there was none of the wall. there was no pretense. there was no unknown.
and he was him in my memory. not him when i was not attracted. not
him when he was awkward. he fit his skin. we were obviously lovers. we
were on an equal plain. we knew eachother. he kissed me. we laughed.
as if it had always been. we held eachother's bodies. as if it was our own.
it was exciting. it was exactly what i've always wanted. and i knew that
it was exactly what he wanted. it got intimate. it passed kissing. it got
explicit, and continued. it got close to ecstasy. and continued. then i
remembered. i remembered he wasn't mine. i remembered that i was
alone. and i looked into his eyes. and he looked sad. all of a sudden.
there was a haze. my eyes opened slowly and i saw. there was something
standing by my bed. it was odd, and sad. it was dead, and watching me.
i knew it had made this dream for me. it liked to see me happy. it knew
exactly what i wanted. but i knew it hurt. because it could only give me
dreams of other people. i knew it made the boys i brought home unable
to sleep. and it looked sad. and then it faded away. and i was alone again.
i turned on my lights. i looked around. my room is a small white box. i
cried a little. i had a quick thought that maybe he had the same dream.
i know he didn't. i am unhappy. i am unhappy because someone doesn't
want to know me. because he has been in 2 dreams now, which seems
as if it should be significant. but i get the feeling that he will not allow
himself to be significant. just how i felt each time was the last. because at
the end of the day, i am haunted. and i am trying not to drink too much.
a white box. furniture without me. personality has not yet moved in. i
am drinking too much lately. i'm listening to sad songs. keep thinking
of the lyrics here's to pretty girls/that went to our heads/here's to witty
girls who went to our beds. i am not easy. but i feel unmourned. i feel
as if i will always be left behind. second thoughts unhad. i am haunted
by the baby he didn't have. wondering if i still have that dream. am still
wondering if i can forgive. am crying myself to sleep. am drinking too
much. still constantly wanting connection. still missing the last failure.
i put myself to bed. after 3? 4? glasses of red wine. after 2 beers. after 3
tall glasses of champagne. i ate chinese. i wasn't exactly his type. i still
try to get used to single. i should be single. i took a cold shower. i turned
off lights and collapsed naked into bed. water evaporates. also puts off
the sweating. and he came to me. he was laughing, and we were happy.
there was none of the wall. there was no pretense. there was no unknown.
and he was him in my memory. not him when i was not attracted. not
him when he was awkward. he fit his skin. we were obviously lovers. we
were on an equal plain. we knew eachother. he kissed me. we laughed.
as if it had always been. we held eachother's bodies. as if it was our own.
it was exciting. it was exactly what i've always wanted. and i knew that
it was exactly what he wanted. it got intimate. it passed kissing. it got
explicit, and continued. it got close to ecstasy. and continued. then i
remembered. i remembered he wasn't mine. i remembered that i was
alone. and i looked into his eyes. and he looked sad. all of a sudden.
there was a haze. my eyes opened slowly and i saw. there was something
standing by my bed. it was odd, and sad. it was dead, and watching me.
i knew it had made this dream for me. it liked to see me happy. it knew
exactly what i wanted. but i knew it hurt. because it could only give me
dreams of other people. i knew it made the boys i brought home unable
to sleep. and it looked sad. and then it faded away. and i was alone again.
i turned on my lights. i looked around. my room is a small white box. i
cried a little. i had a quick thought that maybe he had the same dream.
i know he didn't. i am unhappy. i am unhappy because someone doesn't
want to know me. because he has been in 2 dreams now, which seems
as if it should be significant. but i get the feeling that he will not allow
himself to be significant. just how i felt each time was the last. because at
the end of the day, i am haunted. and i am trying not to drink too much.
Saturday
cigarette smoke
I want to spend time with you
but it causes me pain
so out meetings must be brief
The pain shouldn't be a defining reason
for the length of the stay
but it is your fault
headaches and frowns
I need to shower when I get home
my clothes need to be washed
ick
but it causes me pain
so out meetings must be brief
The pain shouldn't be a defining reason
for the length of the stay
but it is your fault
headaches and frowns
I need to shower when I get home
my clothes need to be washed
ick
Friday
you have the perfect nose
i just want to bite your nose
and you should just go
stand over there
don't turn, i
just stand over there
waking up next to you is
better than morning coffee
sometimes i wake up and you're
not there and i
search for you in the covers and
grab you close to me
you're pretty much adorable
i feel so lucky
can i keep you?
i laugh at your jokes
because you are funny
i'll tell you more when you
aren't asking
alone.
and you should just go
stand over there
don't turn, i
just stand over there
waking up next to you is
better than morning coffee
sometimes i wake up and you're
not there and i
search for you in the covers and
grab you close to me
you're pretty much adorable
i feel so lucky
can i keep you?
i laugh at your jokes
because you are funny
i'll tell you more when you
aren't asking
alone.
water, water
tall sips everywhere
and we talk sips but
noone's fair
game's played out
and you're too far
water, water
but not a drop
i just don't want
to see a darkness
when i look at
us holding hands
i just am tired
of feeding holes
with nothing more
than means to ends
water, water
you're just too far
there's not a drop to sip
and we talk sips but
noone's fair
game's played out
and you're too far
water, water
but not a drop
i just don't want
to see a darkness
when i look at
us holding hands
i just am tired
of feeding holes
with nothing more
than means to ends
water, water
you're just too far
there's not a drop to sip
mind
woe
that actually happened
i had this
you aren't coming home
i'm not on vacation from
something i couldn't deal with anymore
i've actually moved on
and it's like it never was
like it's some dream
of another life
and things have happened
in between
that actually happened
i had this
you aren't coming home
i'm not on vacation from
something i couldn't deal with anymore
i've actually moved on
and it's like it never was
like it's some dream
of another life
and things have happened
in between
Wednesday
this is the end
i woke up to windchimes,
thoughts of ghosts,
and ginger,
and open futures,
and laid there in disconnected loneliness
i feel as if i did it all wrong
i'm living life dreamless
baby skeletons are the only things left
to talk to
i know the human mind
is unable to imagine truths so strange
and unable to predict
how their actions will end in
the best of all possible worlds
right now,
this is the only end in sight
thoughts of ghosts,
and ginger,
and open futures,
and laid there in disconnected loneliness
i feel as if i did it all wrong
i'm living life dreamless
baby skeletons are the only things left
to talk to
i know the human mind
is unable to imagine truths so strange
and unable to predict
how their actions will end in
the best of all possible worlds
right now,
this is the only end in sight
Monday
Benson Hill
I have never allowed myself to think I was good at math
I memorized, got tested, and forgot
I hardly know the basics
Still...
When I take Jean every Monday to Benson Hill Fred Meyers
she signs her check, hands it to me, I hand it the cashier
and say, "please print it for $20 over."
This halts all progress. They stare me blankly.
Adding $20 to the total is difficult, you see,
because they need to type in the new total amount themselves.
All by themselves. No computer to tell them the amount.
"So...$20 over...would be - "
"The total is $47..."
"Yeah..."
"So $20 over would be?"
"Uh"
When I give into the pleading look, I say, "$67"
Every week.
Doesn't matter the age, gender, race, ability...no one can add $20 to the total.
I could write out the rest of the check for Jean, after she signs it,
but in perverse horror, I like to watch this
every week
On Benson Hill
I memorized, got tested, and forgot
I hardly know the basics
Still...
When I take Jean every Monday to Benson Hill Fred Meyers
she signs her check, hands it to me, I hand it the cashier
and say, "please print it for $20 over."
This halts all progress. They stare me blankly.
Adding $20 to the total is difficult, you see,
because they need to type in the new total amount themselves.
All by themselves. No computer to tell them the amount.
"So...$20 over...would be - "
"The total is $47..."
"Yeah..."
"So $20 over would be?"
"Uh"
When I give into the pleading look, I say, "$67"
Every week.
Doesn't matter the age, gender, race, ability...no one can add $20 to the total.
I could write out the rest of the check for Jean, after she signs it,
but in perverse horror, I like to watch this
every week
On Benson Hill
When do you grow old
I don't feel old shopping for trendy shoes
I don't feel old when I am having kinky sex with my boyfriend
I don't feel old when I am playing soccer
I don't feel old talking to all my co-workers 15-35 yrs my senior
I do feel old asking my roommates to please return my stuff
I do feel old when I realize Nick has left his socks on the table. Again
I feel old when I realize none of my roommates feel the need to keep things from becoming sentient in the fridge
I feel old when I have to clean all the toilets and sinks so I am not embarrassed when company visits
My one time friends, my roommates, my gaming mates, my soccer mates
make
me
feel
old
and naggy. Like our former friend Teresa who thought that their lifestyle was immature and let them know that. I don't want to be Teresa. I just want them to grow up enough to make this house fun and livable. Not a pig style. Not like their old apts.
Leah got irritated that I went to the dollar store and bought more kitchen towels. She asked why I would? I said the 4-6 I bought 2 years ago have all disappeared. Thrown away, lost in rooms, still used as packing material in some box in the garage. Well, buying more towels won't solve the problem! she grumps. I snap back, well then go look in your room because they aren't anywhere else! I will! And we mutually grump for a while then it passes. (She still hasn't looked and the towels are still MIA)
I bought nick a weird rhubarb soda I thought he would like. I gave it to him, and as he exclaimed over it, I put my hands on his shoulders and said, This is also a peace offering for what I am about to say. Since you are home all day, making trash and dishes, could you take the initiative to empty the dishwasher when you see it's clean? Since you have the time? And haul the trash down when it's full? he said nothing. But he has also been considerate enough to clean up the kitchen now and again since the soda peace offering.
N&L went on a camping trip this weekend. Leah knew none of her towels were clean so she took ALL OF MY CLEAN AND FOLDED and neatly stored in the linen closet towels. And if I hadn't mentioned it, they probably wouldn't have been cleaned promptly either. They would have lived on their bedroom floor for days or weeks. Moldering in river muck. Nick didn't even notice that the towels he was using for TWO DAYS weren't his.
I asked Dan if he would help me clean up the hair in the bathroom now and again. He looked surprised and said, What hair? I pointed the furbies in the corners of the tiny room. One of Dan's 18"+ hairs will make a nest all on its own. I fluffed the complaint with, Well, I sit on the toilet more so I notice these things. Could you help? He shrugs, Sure, but I don't even notice the hair anymore. And walks away. He has never cleaned up his hair. I pick it up weekly.
Why are these considerations a surprise to them? Is it because I am girl? Is it because as the oldest child I was expected to help mom clean?
Why is it that the light bulbs in the bathroom won't get changed out unless I do it? Why is household maintenance beyond them? What if I wasn't here?
I know I want to leave before they do. I do not want to be responsible for the damages they have allowed the dog to do on the house.
I don't feel old when I am having kinky sex with my boyfriend
I don't feel old when I am playing soccer
I don't feel old talking to all my co-workers 15-35 yrs my senior
I do feel old asking my roommates to please return my stuff
I do feel old when I realize Nick has left his socks on the table. Again
I feel old when I realize none of my roommates feel the need to keep things from becoming sentient in the fridge
I feel old when I have to clean all the toilets and sinks so I am not embarrassed when company visits
My one time friends, my roommates, my gaming mates, my soccer mates
make
me
feel
old
and naggy. Like our former friend Teresa who thought that their lifestyle was immature and let them know that. I don't want to be Teresa. I just want them to grow up enough to make this house fun and livable. Not a pig style. Not like their old apts.
Leah got irritated that I went to the dollar store and bought more kitchen towels. She asked why I would? I said the 4-6 I bought 2 years ago have all disappeared. Thrown away, lost in rooms, still used as packing material in some box in the garage. Well, buying more towels won't solve the problem! she grumps. I snap back, well then go look in your room because they aren't anywhere else! I will! And we mutually grump for a while then it passes. (She still hasn't looked and the towels are still MIA)
I bought nick a weird rhubarb soda I thought he would like. I gave it to him, and as he exclaimed over it, I put my hands on his shoulders and said, This is also a peace offering for what I am about to say. Since you are home all day, making trash and dishes, could you take the initiative to empty the dishwasher when you see it's clean? Since you have the time? And haul the trash down when it's full? he said nothing. But he has also been considerate enough to clean up the kitchen now and again since the soda peace offering.
N&L went on a camping trip this weekend. Leah knew none of her towels were clean so she took ALL OF MY CLEAN AND FOLDED and neatly stored in the linen closet towels. And if I hadn't mentioned it, they probably wouldn't have been cleaned promptly either. They would have lived on their bedroom floor for days or weeks. Moldering in river muck. Nick didn't even notice that the towels he was using for TWO DAYS weren't his.
I asked Dan if he would help me clean up the hair in the bathroom now and again. He looked surprised and said, What hair? I pointed the furbies in the corners of the tiny room. One of Dan's 18"+ hairs will make a nest all on its own. I fluffed the complaint with, Well, I sit on the toilet more so I notice these things. Could you help? He shrugs, Sure, but I don't even notice the hair anymore. And walks away. He has never cleaned up his hair. I pick it up weekly.
Why are these considerations a surprise to them? Is it because I am girl? Is it because as the oldest child I was expected to help mom clean?
Why is it that the light bulbs in the bathroom won't get changed out unless I do it? Why is household maintenance beyond them? What if I wasn't here?
I know I want to leave before they do. I do not want to be responsible for the damages they have allowed the dog to do on the house.
Friday
i keep asking myself
how long it's going to take to remove you
instead of everything being
a musing perspective
i'm pretty when i cry
and i'm getting so old
it may not be good that i can
remove my head from my sobbing body
would you think i was crazy if you knew?
of course you would.
and the cycle continues on.
how long it's going to take to remove you
instead of everything being
a musing perspective
i'm pretty when i cry
and i'm getting so old
it may not be good that i can
remove my head from my sobbing body
would you think i was crazy if you knew?
of course you would.
and the cycle continues on.
Wednesday
this fine addiction
and maybe it's time to end this fine addiction
i was told that it would end, took it well then
maybe if i'd come in with expectations
if i'd put forth a more honest attempt
we could've made this burn a little longer
past its exhalation date
i dreamt of other boys when i was with you
so it's not like my mind was faithful then
but since i'm into being treated badly
i panic as you take out your syringe
a little speck of blood wells out the pinprick
it's salty as it stales
i told you what i wanted as i left you
wavering in resolve even then
maybe i could rewrite my whole future
cut the lines that held me on my course
for sleepless nights and tightly knotted sutures
and wordless dreams from miles apart
i was told that it would end, took it well then
maybe if i'd come in with expectations
if i'd put forth a more honest attempt
we could've made this burn a little longer
past its exhalation date
i dreamt of other boys when i was with you
so it's not like my mind was faithful then
but since i'm into being treated badly
i panic as you take out your syringe
a little speck of blood wells out the pinprick
it's salty as it stales
i told you what i wanted as i left you
wavering in resolve even then
maybe i could rewrite my whole future
cut the lines that held me on my course
for sleepless nights and tightly knotted sutures
and wordless dreams from miles apart
Tuesday
i come ungrounded
jesus h christ compulsion
i can't stop thinking the same things
i search like some people breathe
and i know you're not there
if i had a dollar for every fucking time
i've apologized to you today
well, you know
apparently my obsession is endearing
it's heartfelt and sexy and tender
but it's separating my sanity from my skin
each time your name comes through again
i keep on running and trying to
pretend i'm ok without you
god knows i am
you are my fucked up pattern
you nailed it on the head, my friend
i laughed with true abandon and now
i just can't go back, please
don't make me get over you too
it always fucking happens this way
and you disappear too
and i come ungrounded
my head is floating through untold
and implausible situations
i just want you to grab my hand
pull me down again, please
don't let me float away
it's cold outside
i can't stop thinking the same things
i search like some people breathe
and i know you're not there
if i had a dollar for every fucking time
i've apologized to you today
well, you know
apparently my obsession is endearing
it's heartfelt and sexy and tender
but it's separating my sanity from my skin
each time your name comes through again
i keep on running and trying to
pretend i'm ok without you
god knows i am
you are my fucked up pattern
you nailed it on the head, my friend
i laughed with true abandon and now
i just can't go back, please
don't make me get over you too
it always fucking happens this way
and you disappear too
and i come ungrounded
my head is floating through untold
and implausible situations
i just want you to grab my hand
pull me down again, please
don't let me float away
it's cold outside
because
because "relationship" was so trite when compared to what i would have wanted, when i wanted you. it was limited, defined, 3 dimensional...when i wanted inside of you and around you, to devour you and soak into every cell of your being until you couldn't function without awareness of my existence.
and maybe you knew that, subconsciously, and that's why you're gone now. maybe you felt my churning, the magnetism that would surely bring about the end of your reality, and my lie brought you relief. it gave you what you needed to escape becoming a sacrifice, to climb out of my slow and meticulous web, to walk away.
or maybe it just wasn't there for you, and you would think dispassionate thoughts as you saw my poor damaged being cry out from its cage, maybe you didn't feel the obsessive force that crippled me and left me like this. maybe this is all easy for you.
i should really recognize all of the aspects that made this impossible, that put any future with you at an impasse, that caused the fear and the panic and the curling into balls. the way i couldn't sleep next to you. the way i felt powerless when kept in your darkness.
i should really stop talking to you in my head, and let you go. i'm just sad, is all.
and maybe you knew that, subconsciously, and that's why you're gone now. maybe you felt my churning, the magnetism that would surely bring about the end of your reality, and my lie brought you relief. it gave you what you needed to escape becoming a sacrifice, to climb out of my slow and meticulous web, to walk away.
or maybe it just wasn't there for you, and you would think dispassionate thoughts as you saw my poor damaged being cry out from its cage, maybe you didn't feel the obsessive force that crippled me and left me like this. maybe this is all easy for you.
i should really recognize all of the aspects that made this impossible, that put any future with you at an impasse, that caused the fear and the panic and the curling into balls. the way i couldn't sleep next to you. the way i felt powerless when kept in your darkness.
i should really stop talking to you in my head, and let you go. i'm just sad, is all.
Monday
will you be my next old flame
it's 9 o'clock and my heart is broken
i've had dessert, i'm sitting alone
talking to you who resides in my head
the one i keep reasoning everything with
why can't you understand i couldn't
you have to believe me why
i'm lost and hurt and i'm not easy
and i fell for you even so
my imagination tossed and turned
can't decide if you were glad or if it burned
it knows that this is how it's best
it just can't handle what comes next
and i just have to hope that someday we'll be friends
because i already miss your laugh
and am wishing i hadn't mentioned it
and i'm wondering if you think of me
will you be my next old flame
i've had dessert, i'm sitting alone
talking to you who resides in my head
the one i keep reasoning everything with
why can't you understand i couldn't
you have to believe me why
i'm lost and hurt and i'm not easy
and i fell for you even so
my imagination tossed and turned
can't decide if you were glad or if it burned
it knows that this is how it's best
it just can't handle what comes next
and i just have to hope that someday we'll be friends
because i already miss your laugh
and am wishing i hadn't mentioned it
and i'm wondering if you think of me
will you be my next old flame
yay
in this weekend of yay and weird conversation
i wonder if i'll ever come out again
i'm standing on the high jump and looking down
i'm wishing for someone to catch me
but living in a world where i have to catch myself
or maybe i'll just do the dive
do it so perfectly there's hardly a splash
never afraid of jumping, just afraid of
head first, feet in the clouds
and the coldness
and the hardness
of the water below
this is my newfound life
i wonder if i'll ever come out again
i'm standing on the high jump and looking down
i'm wishing for someone to catch me
but living in a world where i have to catch myself
or maybe i'll just do the dive
do it so perfectly there's hardly a splash
never afraid of jumping, just afraid of
head first, feet in the clouds
and the coldness
and the hardness
of the water below
this is my newfound life
Friday
Projects
Put new stuffing in worn computer chair arms (check)
New shower head (bought)
Use up the random food in food shelf
Finish sanding the damn blanket chest at Mom's
Finish Asian quilt
Make picnic quilt w/ canvass backing
Start baby quilt for Kelsey (pick a pattern)
Ignore roommates and play guitar hero anyway
Keep reading books (book #3)
New shower head (bought)
Use up the random food in food shelf
Finish sanding the damn blanket chest at Mom's
Finish Asian quilt
Make picnic quilt w/ canvass backing
Start baby quilt for Kelsey (pick a pattern)
Ignore roommates and play guitar hero anyway
Keep reading books (book #3)
Ready to leave the nest
When you leave home, your parents
you are thrilled by the independence.
You hit lows emotionally or financially and stop by often,
at least at first,
to re-establish ties and roles and support.
But eventually you can take on those lows by yourself.
I found that I don't like living alone. It's too quiet. I become withdrawn.
So roommates are great for noise and fun.
But I think that my dear college friends and I are drifting apart
and I don't want to go their direction.
The direction where their excuse of too tired or too stressed
gets them out of daily responsibilities and clean up.
I don't want to be their maid.
They were gone all week.
I cleaned all surfaces of the house.
Dusted
Cleaned the fronts of cupboards
Replaced light bulbs
Changed the leaking shower head
Washed the couch cover
Little things, but many little things that somehow
I am not as motivated to do when they are around.
Mayhaps because they clutter everything over these tasks?
They distract more than the mess itself?
I am just sad to think they're coming home and will soon
trash the whole place.
At what level of friendship to tolerance do you move out?
Where would I move?
Where else could I have $400 rent?
My job isn't stable.
So, for now, my domestic dreams of tranquility
must be put aside until such a time when I can afford it. :-(
I miss your studio, Stina. It's inspiring.
you are thrilled by the independence.
You hit lows emotionally or financially and stop by often,
at least at first,
to re-establish ties and roles and support.
But eventually you can take on those lows by yourself.
I found that I don't like living alone. It's too quiet. I become withdrawn.
So roommates are great for noise and fun.
But I think that my dear college friends and I are drifting apart
and I don't want to go their direction.
The direction where their excuse of too tired or too stressed
gets them out of daily responsibilities and clean up.
I don't want to be their maid.
They were gone all week.
I cleaned all surfaces of the house.
Dusted
Cleaned the fronts of cupboards
Replaced light bulbs
Changed the leaking shower head
Washed the couch cover
Little things, but many little things that somehow
I am not as motivated to do when they are around.
Mayhaps because they clutter everything over these tasks?
They distract more than the mess itself?
I am just sad to think they're coming home and will soon
trash the whole place.
At what level of friendship to tolerance do you move out?
Where would I move?
Where else could I have $400 rent?
My job isn't stable.
So, for now, my domestic dreams of tranquility
must be put aside until such a time when I can afford it. :-(
I miss your studio, Stina. It's inspiring.
Today is an ushy gooshy day.
Tummy wasn't happy
Day was long
Next week I am essentially being replaced
The house is starting to feel lonely but
I don't want my roommates who are
coming back in 2 days
I want to be lazy this weekend
but Andrew is gonna drag me around to a bunch of things
There are so many things I want to get done
before the roommates come because somehow
they suck the motivation out of me
Tummy wasn't happy
Day was long
Next week I am essentially being replaced
The house is starting to feel lonely but
I don't want my roommates who are
coming back in 2 days
I want to be lazy this weekend
but Andrew is gonna drag me around to a bunch of things
There are so many things I want to get done
before the roommates come because somehow
they suck the motivation out of me
you must've wanted less
and i fooled myself into thinking
that i was special
with your talk of expectations
in a world where i am blonde
and you are extroverted
nothing has to make sense
and on we march, these bones of us
we talked some
but again i felt like i was pushing
the conversation
i'm going to be ok
worry is the tax we pay
for trying to look into the future
and i fooled myself into thinking
that i was special
with your talk of expectations
in a world where i am blonde
and you are extroverted
nothing has to make sense
and on we march, these bones of us
we talked some
but again i felt like i was pushing
the conversation
i'm going to be ok
worry is the tax we pay
for trying to look into the future
Wednesday
wants
i've been in a terrible mood lately. i looked a gift horse in the mouth, and it decided to move on. now i'm trying to be happy with the good things it left behind, but the lack of romantic attachment is making me feel like i'm in limbo and I DO NOT LIKE. restless, angsty, compulsive and self-deprecating thoughts flow through my mind like butter on a hot corn cob. i have no patience for other people's issues; i have no patience for my intense emotional damage levels. i feel like a freak.
i have been doing yoga to combat this. bikram yoga is my drug of choice: it makes me feel the pain in a physical way, and brings both exhaustion (which i need) and focus (which i also need). it also brings muscle definition in a matter of days--two days and i no longer have any semblance of "mom arms," and my stomach feels solid, not the worst of side effects. if i can keep up with my goal of 4-5 times a week, i will be in the best physical shape of my life.
which brings me to my actual wants. part of being in a bad mood is when i realized that all of the goals i have are centered around a loss of discomfort, rather than something that brings me closer to happiness. which made me address, what do i consider "happiness"?
i've been going back and forth on the concept of kids. i always thought i wanted them before, that i would make an excellent mother, that i would be able to prevent a good amount of the bad things that had happened to me growing up. and then i realized just how many people think that, and how emotionally damaged i am, and how many fucking awful kids there are in this world. and then, my chances of being able to afford kids, the chance that i may not even be able to have kids, my chances of being able to be in a stable enough relationship to raise kids, my timeline, and the fact that i'm probably going to wind up the "bad cop" parent because i'm attracted to guys like my dad, who was always the "good cop." it's all very daunting. if i do kids, i want to do them right. i'd rather not do it at all if i can't.
but then the recurring dream comes back, the one where i have a doting husband that is so excited to be a father and so proud he knocked me up, the one where we're that cool couple that no one seems to mind has procreated, it just makes sense, the one where the kids crawl in bed with us and snuggle up next to us for warmth.
i want that.
i want to be out of this limbo and in the reality i've always dreamed of.
i have been doing yoga to combat this. bikram yoga is my drug of choice: it makes me feel the pain in a physical way, and brings both exhaustion (which i need) and focus (which i also need). it also brings muscle definition in a matter of days--two days and i no longer have any semblance of "mom arms," and my stomach feels solid, not the worst of side effects. if i can keep up with my goal of 4-5 times a week, i will be in the best physical shape of my life.
which brings me to my actual wants. part of being in a bad mood is when i realized that all of the goals i have are centered around a loss of discomfort, rather than something that brings me closer to happiness. which made me address, what do i consider "happiness"?
i've been going back and forth on the concept of kids. i always thought i wanted them before, that i would make an excellent mother, that i would be able to prevent a good amount of the bad things that had happened to me growing up. and then i realized just how many people think that, and how emotionally damaged i am, and how many fucking awful kids there are in this world. and then, my chances of being able to afford kids, the chance that i may not even be able to have kids, my chances of being able to be in a stable enough relationship to raise kids, my timeline, and the fact that i'm probably going to wind up the "bad cop" parent because i'm attracted to guys like my dad, who was always the "good cop." it's all very daunting. if i do kids, i want to do them right. i'd rather not do it at all if i can't.
but then the recurring dream comes back, the one where i have a doting husband that is so excited to be a father and so proud he knocked me up, the one where we're that cool couple that no one seems to mind has procreated, it just makes sense, the one where the kids crawl in bed with us and snuggle up next to us for warmth.
i want that.
i want to be out of this limbo and in the reality i've always dreamed of.
Tuesday
neat little boxes
i placed your bones neatly in little boxes
suspended there in happy daydreams
i sing my song and let you go
the skin of me that you have touched
is bruised but better for your hand
singed but all within the plan
you'll fade away
but never die
i've no regrets
we've no goodbyes
you made your mark
i placed your bones neatly in little boxes
suspended there in happy daydreams
i sing my song and let you go
pensive
two that i could have
two that i've had
two that i just didn't want
and now i'm sitting here
frightened by the realization
that i want to be in love.
i saw the the one that hurt me
yesterday, crossing the street,
and my heart felt fine.
does this mean i'm ready?
two that i've had
two that i just didn't want
and now i'm sitting here
frightened by the realization
that i want to be in love.
i saw the the one that hurt me
yesterday, crossing the street,
and my heart felt fine.
does this mean i'm ready?
Monday
seven years
and you told me that you were dying, seven years ago
you said a lot of things to me back then, i know
you loved me from the day you met me
you told me when you took me home
and all your fear that i was taken
and all the times you lost your phone
made no sense when you were gone, dear
happy birthday, boy i've loved
sorry that i wasn't there to keep you smiling
wasn't there to let you in
but you were tall, and you were handsome
and even now i miss your grin
and even now i'd love to hold your hand again
and show you how to live
sometimes old flames don't die the way they said they would
sometimes it just ends
you said a lot of things to me back then, i know
you loved me from the day you met me
you told me when you took me home
and all your fear that i was taken
and all the times you lost your phone
made no sense when you were gone, dear
happy birthday, boy i've loved
sorry that i wasn't there to keep you smiling
wasn't there to let you in
but you were tall, and you were handsome
and even now i miss your grin
and even now i'd love to hold your hand again
and show you how to live
sometimes old flames don't die the way they said they would
sometimes it just ends
Saturday
time
today i saw past
they patted my back
we laughed
i burned my skin
heard that guitar
tone again
the one you never made
i winced a smile
listened a little bit
and then it relaxed
into the background
of a song
he is gone now
you'd be happy to know
i'm sure
he made you
feel remorse again
he made me
feel frustration again
in so many ways
why do i always
want new to feel old?
they patted my back
we laughed
i burned my skin
heard that guitar
tone again
the one you never made
i winced a smile
listened a little bit
and then it relaxed
into the background
of a song
he is gone now
you'd be happy to know
i'm sure
he made you
feel remorse again
he made me
feel frustration again
in so many ways
why do i always
want new to feel old?
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