When confronted with my desires
I shrink away.
Given support I inch out
and it's not so nerve wracking.
Discussion helped a lot
and now I see potential
where I had foreseen disappointments
and shame.

Now I can't wait
but waiting adds to the desire

Let it build!

travel through time and space
travel through childish hopes and dreams
travel into adult ideals and expectations
may your travels teach you
wonderful things

Believe
when things look dark
when doubt gets overwhelming
when guilt is gluing you down

Believe
that there are people who love you
that help is on the way
that someone is looking out for you

Today, I believed.

end

ends just always seem so fast
—though i suppose it was slow,
and painful.
you just watched the horizon,
waiting for the rain,
sailed through one empty day at a time,
just riding it out til the sand

you try to rip the bandage off,
make it over quick,
but even when you do it right
it takes part of you away;
it takes that way she used to smile,
it takes her peace,
it takes her touch.

and you find that song to listen to
repeating how it feels
to go through all this life,
to go through all the ended dreams
and wind up where you began
slowly taking back your heart
and getting back to fine

i hardly notice that you're not there

i hardly notice that you're not there
sometimes it feels i've been at this for years
i cry, i do, but not for as long
i cry, brush my teeth, and keep moving on
i wonder what made you became such a thing
how you convinced me that all this was me
i sigh, i do, but not quite as heavily
i sigh, pick my phone up, and reach out to somebody
it seems i knew that all this was coming
i can pick out the timeline and watch how you shunned me
i look, i do, but only for moments
i look, look outside, and think of what's coming
if you're not careful, life is enough
and stagnance, and blue eyes that just don't flame up
i know, i do, that you aren't around
i know, start a daydream, and then dream of living

Frozen

I keep wanting to write about snow.
To give that frost a name,
A glow,
That somehow freezes
- For a moment -
Perfection.
Dormancy.

A field
Blanketed,
Unusable.

Waiting for thaw.

Waiting for summer.

I feel the tension crackle across my joints
the numbness spreading in my shoulders
my hips ache with sore joints
and my ankle protest tight shoes

At night I wake frequently
staring at the clock
during the day I feel the muscles tightening
my brow furrowing more heavily

I put up a good face
and say I am okay
and try to convince myself it's true
but my body is telling my otherwise

My body explains my worries, my concerns,
my fears, my perceived failures
I notice joy but briefly before focusing back on the tension
I don't laugh very much anymore

I am surrounded by friends but I feel alone
they all require something of me
and right now I don't want to give it
but by not I feel like I am failing again

I can't focus
because that will show how I failing
so it's better if I just run harder, faster
then I get praise and shove the "small" stuff away for a while

I don't want to be alone
because that means I should be doing the things I should
but if I do them then the future will progress
and right now that scares me

Scares me deep inside
where my body knows
but I put on a good face
and people just wonder if it's allergies.

Jean pt. II

Today we wrote your will
and brought up 70 years of good moments
disappointments
and visions of appreciations.

Today we thwarted your daughter
passed financial judgment down on your son
and made plans to assist your grandchildren.

It made you angry
and you had a great headache when we were done
and needed to lay down.

It makes me ponder my Will
and Testament
and who would I judge?

I bought life insurance recently
and I have to wonder, on this gamble,
who will benefit most?

The Quarter Life Issue

It's not really that I am ready to be an adult
or that I am too immature for responsibilities
but can't the rest of the world figure out what they are doing first?!


I have peers still in college.
I have peers on their third kid.
I have toys,
but they aren't trendy enough for my age group.
My skin is a little lose
but it's not wrinkled much.
I have a great paying job,
but it's on contract.
Does that make me less than my sister
who regrets some of her choices?
Does it make me less than my mom
who took a different road?
Maybe I am comfortable the insecurities of my generation!

Impatience

It’s been two weeks since I heard your voice, even
But you’re still there in my head, talking to me
You’re calmer in there than you’d been
I hear your mumbling, worn and sad
 
I still feel you blending against my back,
Though I haven’t slept next to you in months now
My body still remembers just how it felt
I can’t help but notice you’re gone

I’m slowly getting my confidence back
After feeling so dead for so long
But I can’t help but want your approval still
I can’t figure how to move on

I shed all the weight from our sedated life
I look older, but my youth isn’t gone
But I never see anyone looking at me
That I want how I wanted you

And everyone reminds me that this takes time
And I tell myself I’m doing well
I’m doing well, of course, but still
How much longer will this go on?

age II

All I want to say is that I picked up a tub of groceries out of the cart, put in the car, and took it out of the car. I believe I have strained every muscle group connection on my right side from my knee to my ear.

Emotional Health

Decided to retune my mind

Decided I have not been kind

Confusing wants with needs

I thought I wanted respect and love

And needed companionship and you

Turns out this isn’t true

I need respect, I need flowers

I need passionate kisses

And I’m fine alone


I fought and loved

I hurt and shoved

For all the things I thought I wanted

Thought I was fine with feeling used

As long as I came home to you

Turns out this isn’t true

I need music, I need plans,

I need walks and holding hands

And I’m fine alone


And even though I think I knew

I needed things you couldn’t do

I self-denied, and died inside

I thought this death was what I needed

To accept how I was being treated

Turns out this isn’t true

I need someone who doesn’t need me

I need to be adored

And I’m fine alone

age

When did I become aware of age my current age?
Was it when I realized I had full hips to your friends 20"?
Was it when I realized my breasts were more than they will see for 5-10 more years?
Was when I realized I was admiring their "young" skin?

For pete's sake, I'm only 27!!!!!

%&$#

Here’s the thing.

You were never nobody. I know you’ve always felt that way. It’s come out pretty hard in this past few years, after we moved back to the city. The jealousy, the resentment, you acted with only survival and 10 more minutes on your mind. I guess I told myself if I just loved you enough, maybe you’d be able to love yourself too, but it frightened me to watch all my love disappear into the black hole of your self loathing, to watch you stop taking care of yourself and hide. I suppose I knew it was going to end about two years ago, when I stopped being able to tell myself that you were the man I wanted to marry. I didn’t stop loving you—I’ll never stop loving you, it comes as easily as breathing—but I knew. I was just slow to give up.


You always had a hard time coming home to me, I keep trying to tell myself it wasn’t because I wasn’t beautiful, it wasn’t because I wasn’t everything you wanted, it was because you couldn’t handle me loving you when you didn’t love yourself. I feel like you almost hated me for how much I adored you, but would panic whenever you felt my adoration waning because how would you feel loved if I wasn’t there? And when I wasn't there...

You will always miss me. You will never meet another woman like me, and you will likely never feel this way about anyone again. You will feel other ways, and you may fall in love again—you may find happiness if you’re willing to work for it—but a part of your heart will always belong to me, a part that I know you will always take great pride in.

These are the things I keep telling myself.

I’m past regretting you, and have moved on to licking my wounds and trying to exist without the opiate feelings of companionship and understanding that I used to have with you. My hope, the one I told you about on the phone, is that we could be friends someday, dig out and salvage the amazing part of us after the pain has gone away. I’m just trying to put as much time as possible between who I am and who we were, and to believe that I am an amazing individual who deserves what I want. I just hope that when I’m ready to know you again, you won't be a hollow, haunted man anymore.

Like I said, I never wanted to change you, I just wanted you to be who you were rather than a product of painful memories.

The World's a Scary Place, I Guess

Again, arose at 6 PM
to torture, and disease, and puppy mills.
just one sad story after another.

I sleep through each day
and then re-live it, fast-forward
via internet and news,

And most days,
It seems like a mercy
just to sleep through it all.

johnny and june

you were supposed to be my johnny
and i would be your june
in spite of all your vices, 
you'd have to become the man i wanted
because your drive to love me
outweighed your drive to self destruct
our souls would be so entwined

when i passed on, you'd die to be with me

but life's not so romantic
i see that now
i'll be your june in memory
i have to put space between you and me
leave an empty imprint on your side
for you can't be my johnny 

A Haiku for my Topsy-Turvy Sleep Schedule

To sleep with the dawn,
Sun cresting over the bridge.
A poem in light.

anymore

you think about me now, you say
a little late because our ground has worn away
you say you loved me but you
couldn't be the man that hurt me
anymore

at night inside my little room
i think about back when your voice would make me swoon
and how it shattered when your
demons came to haunt me in my
lonely dreams

someday i'll
be better
i'll see you
and all the pain you caused me
it won't feel like hurting anymore
someday i
won't miss you
we'll move on
and all the life you witnessed,
it won't be the only life i've lived
anymore

i'm moving slowly, at a crawl
sometimes i cry and then i cannot move at all
sometimes i talk to you,
in mirrors or in windows, but you
can't reply

i bought me flowers yesterday
i did the dishes and i put them all away
it's all these motions that
i use to pass the moments of
my empty days

someday i'll
be better
i'll see you
and all the pain you caused me
it won't feel like hurting anymore
someday i
won't miss you
we'll move on
and all the life you witnessed,
it won't be the only life i've lived
anymore

since i can't hate, i wish you well
i hope you climb out of your open prison cell
these words won't find you
but i cannot be your sweet saviour
anymore

the grass is always greener with the other jesus

Pleasing you

How far do you go
to make people like you
to have people say good things about you.

When is it too much
too much sacrifice of what you really feel
and who is there to tell you to stop?

You feel unwanted
and that you burden people with your presence
even while they compliment you (as you please them)

So it's not really You they like, is it?
Do you dare show them who you really are?
Or will they not ask for you again...