am i even trying?

i feel like that answer is probably no.
i feel like i'm letting myself fall into
"unrequited."
i hang on your words
as if one of them is going to betray
you getting attached to me,
you actually feeling a
something more...
it's been so long, and yet!
how am i still falling?
i must be letting myself.
it must be because i want.
how do i make myself not want?

house thoughts part II

After checking my credit score
I looked at how much my bank would loan me
and it's intimidating
SO MUCH MONEY

anger

it's because i'm a dirty fucking liar
of course i wanted your issues
i let you imprint yourself on me
and now i'm dealing with your relief

and you crossed an unspoken line
with your unprecedented attentions
and snarky accusations
and what do i do now?

i can't trust myself to not want the things i wanted
to not do the things i did
i'm horrified at my lack of resolve
annoyed at your presence in my dreams

for six weeks,
you sure became significant.
and you've already moved on
out of sight, out of mind;

i think you're just like that.

I think of you during the day
and feel depressed when nothing happens that would be interesting to talk about
I like your interest
I like you next to me, feeling your heat on me
and I lean against you, listening to you talk
feeling your chest move as you sleep.
I saw you last night
and I miss you already
and I want to be with you
and it's frustrating that we're not next to each other right now

I can't wait for the weekend <3

You left early...

I feel the distance between us
growing neglectfully
and I try to include you
but you say no
not interested
not today
not those people

Today you said yes
but because you didn't know
but because you didn't bother enough to research
you weren't prepared
you got bored

and so have I failed more now
then when you just said no?

smart water

i keep trying to write but
all i have are
vicodin-infused dreams
of leaving you again
empty ramblings and
god i miss being in love
i miss feeling at home
i miss saying your name
i have no names to say
the ones on my mind are
ones i can't have
and they fade, they fade
you fade too
everything is empty
even if i'm not lonely
and i'm realizing
just because it ended
because it ended badly
doesn't mean it wasn't a success
it worked for years
and my focus is the failure
i will have to climb through
to get to another win
i'm not even afraid
i know i'm beautiful
i know i'm desirish
it's just gonna take time
waiting here at the starting line
figuring out how
to run the race

So...does this mean I only write here when you are away and don't update?!

O_O

My mom and sister brought up a little something when I visited them.
It's something we have talked about before
but it scared me
and I didn't need it
so I always turned it down.

But yesterday it seemed like it could be.
My objections are weaker now
and it seems plausible.

I could buy a house.

It kinda blows my mind a little.

man....
Nick is back in school
Leah will be staying late at work to wait for him to get out of class
Dan will cont. kung fu
Andrew is out sick

...

boooooorrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeddddddd

Fine. Start on the annoying project list of things to do >_o

sorry, showing my nerd in public...

From my fanfic review...

I really sympathize with Harry regarding his friends in your story; when the times are good, you really love your friends. When times aren't as they like it, you sometimes have to/want to bend over backwards to keep them happy in your friendship so you can experience those good times again. I currently live with 3 really close and dear friends from university...but I am afraid that 4 yrs on now from graduation we have finally grown apart. Different goals and lifestyle habits are now creating frictions and tension whereas in school they were aligned enough we could just concentrate on homework and having fun. I admit to grieving for those times when the bond was so deep and comforting. Now I hesitate to bring up concerns or problems because, like Harry, I don't want to hurry up the inevitable fight/break up/write off. At age 26-28, our habits are fairly ingrained; we need significant motivation to change them and my unhappiness with __ isn't enough for my friends to compromise. I am afraid Harry is in the same boat with Ron. :-( Ron has always needed a huge club over the head + nagging to get him to compromise and empathize in unfamiliar situations outside of combat. And in the books those situations lasted less than a year before he realized he needed to adapt. Ron won't be so lucky here...
Wishing you all the best, Ronin

when the powder exploded

Stina, you would have been so amused at me yesterday!
I went over to Erin's and we watched several online tutorials for make-up and then attempted to recreate the techniques.
Erin's challenge was to use bold shadowing and colors.
I wanted to learn how

• to properly apply the eyeliner so it creates that eye lash line at the end of your eye
  
• to try bold colors
• "smokey eyes" using black
  
• figure out how to use the bare essentials powder eye shadows I have been given but don't know how to use!

I remember doing this sort of thing in high school, but it's sooo much better now because I have better control over my brushes and eyeliner! I was just gleeful I was so amused at our 27-28 yr old selves still having that much fun trying to figure out new trendy styles. hee hee!

Of course, I still exploded that Bare Essentials powder all over the place until I figured out how to load the brush ;-P

The pics above are (though it's hard to tell) smokey eyes and green/gold eyes. They worked! no abused glam rocker in sight!

1. http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=AllThatGlitters21&view=videos - She has the technique
2. http://www.metacafe.com/tags/panacea81/ - she has my eye shape

Passive aggressive communication

Okay, so it was bad to approach you separately.
Apparently that was accusatory rather than friendly.
It meant I wasn't really serious about the problem.

But by doing so you also kindly pointed out you were not at fault
that you would help me badger the others. Those messy boys.

Why is it so hard to say, Hey guys? Can you help me keep the house clean?
Why do you get away with being "absent minded" and forget to do chores, clean up your shit, and take the garbage out?
Why does having a stressful week mean you don't have to clean up any of your messes up?

I don't want to nag, I don't want to be Teresa and sound like I disrespect you.
Just help me out here...

news:

well, not really.

i started a tumblr account for happier stuff: links, videos, quotes, etc.

http://thinkerings.tumblr.com/

my goal is to not spend as much time wallowing in my emotions. i need to stay creative, but spend more time being inspired. plus, i spend tons of time searching/finding links, videos, and quotes, so i might as well post them somewhere. keep track, yanno.

part of the reason i'm so stressed lately is because i have no one to affix my crushing on. i suppose i should just relax and focus on myself. after all, i need to be strong enough to stay myself next time i fall in love. i need to know who i am so i don't dissolve into them. i need to have strong enough good habits that i can continue in a good path after i am no longer single.

yeah.