dear,

dear ex,

i know you miss me and the comfort i represented for so long. typing is hard, and sympathizing is harder. you fucked up and it is over. i hope the best for you, but can no longer be a part of that. take care, and please get help.

dear current,

i don't understand what has kept you from fulfilling my needs. i assume that i am going to have to move on with my life to get what i want/need, and that you won't factor in. i am sad about this, but know that it does not exist within reason.

dear life,

i am in control.

to learn how you think...

with an opening like that
things you learn with math
you should come over and kiss
my freshly scarred lips
i am hanging on your words
please, how do i play your game?

i laid out my hand
in your hollowed chest
and called your bid,
"come out of the darkness"

you never explained this darkness, though
and why you wanted to keep me in there

no more and no less
and now i am waiting
to see all the rest
of what you'll be playing

it's either a comfort to two who are running
or an end for those two who were just too scared

hm

i wonder if someone's replaced my voice in your head
someone whose joy and scorn is now guiding your way
someone who you talk to when you look in mirrors

i know you've missed me, and i can happily report
that i don't, that i haven't for a while now actually
the modifications i made gave me a new leg to stand on

but today, as i try to tell myself to move on again,
my thoughts drift back to you and who you were to me
and how so much has changed in the past few months

just wondering,

what it would be like to talk to you after all these years....your email left me elated, your subsequent flirtations and acknowledgments have made some of my best nights. i am not within reach anymore, now that you are no longer a wreck, and it doesn't seem fair. even if i had the guts to initiate a real conversation, i have no idea how it would go: we never did that before. i am tired of my bad timing. patience is not my virtue of choice, and only failure is worse. but it's times like these that i miss how happy you made me feel, even on the way to our end.

semi-unrelated, 5 years ago, after me and m's first breakup, i met jeremy. jeremy was 28, that seemed so old then. he was very prideful, not extremely attractive, but he had made something of himself and he knew it. he was retired.

we had a conversation: he said that the first half of your 20s are there for building up an identity, a reputation, and the last half is for destroying that identity. so true.

i spent the first 6 1/2 years of my 20s creating the "perfect me." the job, the pets, the boyfriend, the apartment. all of that is gone. it's not a bad change, it just happened so rapidly. it's all gone, in a matter of 4 months. technically only 3, since i've known about the job for a month.

it's all fucking gone.

smiling with my liver

i am prime real estate
i am smiling with my liver
i am not in a position
i am not alone
i am loved
i am changing old habits
i am going to be ok
i am on a diet coke diet
i am a girl who thinks deep thoughts
i am letting you go
i am going to have a good night

hi

you made this last month fly by
i like you, i think you like me
i don't want to bury you in cake
but i want you

i don't know if i can reconcile you,
it just takes a clever feller to fell me
are we still naturally evolving?
or are we on the way down

i, feeling

, sadly
the untold losses of
you and those before you
daydreaming dreams
of old frustrations
and the uninvited thoughts
of a discarded lover
whose actions cannot
be condoned

, softly
all the traces of
your fingers when you
smiled, said this felt good
right before you couldn't sleep
and i am sitting here
just thinking of the way you
made your move
and now you're gone

, aching
rejecting age and illness
as it scours over my body
and leaves me without comfort
or a means to self-express
the loving only hurts me
i cling to all the memories
and i try to smile again
before i fade

Ponderings and angst

Sorry, I just need to vomit out all these thoughts - not enough time to prose them!

I think I am buying myself a shoe collection because every other woman I know at work already has one. I have some shoes I have been wearing to work for 8 years or more. Serviceable and boring, they are comfy. Now I am getting into exotic and trendy things. And they intimidate me every morning. But I bought them. I should wear them. Even if they will kill my spoilt feet by the end of the day...

I want to take my airline miles and fly to another state. Drive to Alaska. Something. I want a break and I want it now. Now. Now. Now. I keep feeling this urge to drive past work and keep going until I run out of gas. I don't that's very healthy!

Contemplating get hypnosis done to stop biting my nails. I know I have an oral fixation when stressed but if I can't do that I want to scratch myself. But, much like picking a doctor or therapist, I am going to need to shop around and price. (check) Now I have to meet these "doctors" which makes me nervous. I am fairly good at self hypnosis but the idea of someone else planting ideas into my head scares me. Can I have my sister there to hold my hand? I think it's still allowed at age 28, right?

I am really confused about my best friends and roommates right now.
=According to my mother, to whom I have described my bewildering interactions with Dan, says that I have written him off subconsciously and that's why I have no patience with him. She even asked me, when was the last time I looked him in the eye when I was talking to him? I wasn't sure. Now I try to consciously do it...and it's hard. I am not sure how to go back to when we were friends and had fun hanging out with each other. Maybe we aren't doing enough fun?
=I realized the other day that I am really disappointed in Leah and in a way, already grieving the end of our friendship. Over spring and summer I have developed a friendship with E & D, whom Leah used to work with. They always had fun together, and laughed a lot, but now that Leah has moved onto another job at another location it's like she has completely cut them out of her life. I have invited her several times to events and parties and she flatly refuses. I really like Leah and doing things with her...but I can anticipate one day being completely cut out of her life, too.
=I want to talk to Nick about all of the above. I am just waiting until he gets done with finals. I need more perspective!!

My energy is cold. In fact, it has a breeze to it. And it's sticky, like bath bubbles or sea foam. I am can manipulate it and stick to parts of me. Also, during meditation, I was perturbed to note I couldn't sense my right side. Research since then have confirmed that no, I did not have a psychic stroke paralyzing my right side! Whew.

So what do you do when you can easily imagine yourself pregnant and in a house of your own...but you aren't sure of what your partner's plans are? I can see myself in my parents' baby rocking chair, I see me gardening and vacuuming in "our" house. I seem him playing and cooing at our baby...But it's not what I would have wanted at 23!! I should give him time. I want to still travel and have fun boulder jumping. No kids in tow. But still contemplating the occasional wedding bell. Note: keep daydreams quiet!

every time

every time i touch you
it feels like the last time
i'm not trying to tie you down

i found your shirt
and there's a spot on my pillow that smells like you
new but comforting

i wish you could've slept
i wish i could soothe the ghosts that move you
i suppose i can't

i'm not in love
i'm just infatuated with your lips
and how they make me smile

i just feel like we found each other in this deep pit both knee-deep in despair
and he offered to let me climb up on his shoulders
and from there, i started climbing up the walls towards the light
and he started climbing, but it was too hard
he kept grabbing at my ankles and making me slide down
because he didn't want to lose me
and eventually i just had to kick free
i don't know if i'm out but i'm so much closer
i can smell fresh air
i'm sad, but i'm not depressed

i didn't expect

i didn't expect to be
the light of your life
your sun or your wife
i want it some day,
but it's not likely you
so what is there to lose?

i don't understand the way
you're playing this game
you wax and you wane
you're switching each day
i'm excited or upset
in the drop of a hat

how do i tell you
to just let it come
we'll laugh and have fun
maybe i just didn't hide enough pain
or you found someone new
i just need a clue...

voyeur

it's so dark, this
swimming through
a maze
of clues of who
all the who's of you
and all of the obtrusions
i've passed too many
lines to see
i've seen too much
of your contusions
of your maybes
it's so shady
in there, so cold

there's no room for me
i'd run, too
i'm a creeper
slide in deeper
even when i knew too much
compulsed to watch
i've crossed the line
i looked too hard
alone and weird
in my obsessions
i just wanted to know
and this is how
your secret crumbles

what i miss about religion

i cast all my cares upon you
i lay all of my burdens
down at your feet
anytime i don't know
what to do
i just cast all my cares
upon you

now what i have is:
i am not in control
but it will be ok.

at a loss

at a loss for words
but compelled to write
my thoughts are blurred
my heart is frightened
i can't stop the racing
i can't soothe the aching
lord, what the hell am i doing?

i'm scaring him away
i do it on purpose
i'm watching my plays
they're making him nervous
he said he would stay
i'm calling his bluff
lord, what the hell am i doing?

he's kind
i'm nice
he kisses
i cry
i'm trying to stop
and i know he can't read me
i'm guarded, and cautious,
insecure, unfeeling

and why can't i let him
just do this natural
evolve in their ways
how i wanted to years ago
now all of the dramas
that nearly have killed me
have changed expectations
and now i can't let it be
now i am breaking
and crying and terrified
in spite of the aching
i just can't let him inside
dear lord, what the hell am i doing?

back then

you seemed so sure
you seemed to want
to hold my hand
to touch my hair
moving together
anxious as flames
you remember me fondly now

dressed yourself nice
and held open doors
i liked how you kissed
i liked how you laughed
you hid your face
and held me in darkness
frightened by us
afraid of the dance

the night we met
i etched you into my mind
i wasn't free, but someday
i have to admit
i had expectations
and nothing we did
nothing we did
disappointed

and when i ran
i ran so composedly
and when you lied
and said you'd call,
i said i'd like that
thus ended the game,
we both went our ways,
another failed romance

i seemed so sure
i seemed to want
to hold your hand
to touch your hair
moving together as
anxious as flames
i remember you fondly now

long shadows

you've called my cards
and have spun me my favorite sin
and i've let you in
and you've cast your shadows and

i'm left in a haze
of wonderings, hollowing
fearful of your wants
of my wants, of "ours"...

what can i give
with the love beaten out of me?
how can i sing for a cage
to again swallow me?

but to live in your shadows
and the taste of your sweat
so my bluff's called again
in the buff of your skin...

i used to

tell you you were beautiful
and dote on you
and tell you how i loved you
and i missed the way you smiled

and every time i said it,
i couldn't understand why you would
brush it off so carelessly
as if it was a lie

and i realize now, you couldn't hear it
i realize now, you knew
if only i saw the secrets in there
i wouldn't have said a word

i used to bask in our dreams, dear
hold your hand as you drove
i build a lovely cabin in the clouds
and filled it up with us

but even when you tried to reach them
it always seemed too far
i always asked too much of you
you couldn't be the man i fell for

and i realize now, i couldn't see it
i realize now, i knew
if only i saw the secrets in there
i wouldn't have said a word