it was never convenient

and in my resistance to act
came stagnance and regret
the last few days
have made my skin weep
but with these tears
comes calm and cathartic
true friends will break my legs
to stop me from crawling back

it's always going to feel

a little vague, a little lecherous
each time you draw your hand down someone else's thigh
each time you wake up in another bed
and find last night it wasn't me that you laid next to
the different smells, the art, the view
outside the window there might grow familiar, just depends
but i won't be there to hold your hand and tell you that you're wonderful
you lost it all
i'm sorry dear
it wasn't what i wanted for you
it's always going to feel
a little lonelier, to know that they don't
see you how you are, just how you say you are
and they may try to change you, teach you tricks that you don't want to know
or maybe that's just what you wanted all along
not someone strong, but just
someone to commandeer, someone to fear
and loathe because they cannot love you
after all,
it's easier to dream and hate
i'm sorry dear
this wasn't what i wanted for you
not at all
you lost it all
and that's just how it feels