Frozen

I keep wanting to write about snow.
To give that frost a name,
A glow,
That somehow freezes
- For a moment -
Perfection.
Dormancy.

A field
Blanketed,
Unusable.

Waiting for thaw.

Waiting for summer.

I feel the tension crackle across my joints
the numbness spreading in my shoulders
my hips ache with sore joints
and my ankle protest tight shoes

At night I wake frequently
staring at the clock
during the day I feel the muscles tightening
my brow furrowing more heavily

I put up a good face
and say I am okay
and try to convince myself it's true
but my body is telling my otherwise

My body explains my worries, my concerns,
my fears, my perceived failures
I notice joy but briefly before focusing back on the tension
I don't laugh very much anymore

I am surrounded by friends but I feel alone
they all require something of me
and right now I don't want to give it
but by not I feel like I am failing again

I can't focus
because that will show how I failing
so it's better if I just run harder, faster
then I get praise and shove the "small" stuff away for a while

I don't want to be alone
because that means I should be doing the things I should
but if I do them then the future will progress
and right now that scares me

Scares me deep inside
where my body knows
but I put on a good face
and people just wonder if it's allergies.

Jean pt. II

Today we wrote your will
and brought up 70 years of good moments
disappointments
and visions of appreciations.

Today we thwarted your daughter
passed financial judgment down on your son
and made plans to assist your grandchildren.

It made you angry
and you had a great headache when we were done
and needed to lay down.

It makes me ponder my Will
and Testament
and who would I judge?

I bought life insurance recently
and I have to wonder, on this gamble,
who will benefit most?

The Quarter Life Issue

It's not really that I am ready to be an adult
or that I am too immature for responsibilities
but can't the rest of the world figure out what they are doing first?!


I have peers still in college.
I have peers on their third kid.
I have toys,
but they aren't trendy enough for my age group.
My skin is a little lose
but it's not wrinkled much.
I have a great paying job,
but it's on contract.
Does that make me less than my sister
who regrets some of her choices?
Does it make me less than my mom
who took a different road?
Maybe I am comfortable the insecurities of my generation!

Impatience

It’s been two weeks since I heard your voice, even
But you’re still there in my head, talking to me
You’re calmer in there than you’d been
I hear your mumbling, worn and sad
 
I still feel you blending against my back,
Though I haven’t slept next to you in months now
My body still remembers just how it felt
I can’t help but notice you’re gone

I’m slowly getting my confidence back
After feeling so dead for so long
But I can’t help but want your approval still
I can’t figure how to move on

I shed all the weight from our sedated life
I look older, but my youth isn’t gone
But I never see anyone looking at me
That I want how I wanted you

And everyone reminds me that this takes time
And I tell myself I’m doing well
I’m doing well, of course, but still
How much longer will this go on?

age II

All I want to say is that I picked up a tub of groceries out of the cart, put in the car, and took it out of the car. I believe I have strained every muscle group connection on my right side from my knee to my ear.

Emotional Health

Decided to retune my mind

Decided I have not been kind

Confusing wants with needs

I thought I wanted respect and love

And needed companionship and you

Turns out this isn’t true

I need respect, I need flowers

I need passionate kisses

And I’m fine alone


I fought and loved

I hurt and shoved

For all the things I thought I wanted

Thought I was fine with feeling used

As long as I came home to you

Turns out this isn’t true

I need music, I need plans,

I need walks and holding hands

And I’m fine alone


And even though I think I knew

I needed things you couldn’t do

I self-denied, and died inside

I thought this death was what I needed

To accept how I was being treated

Turns out this isn’t true

I need someone who doesn’t need me

I need to be adored

And I’m fine alone