long shadows

you've called my cards
and have spun me my favorite sin
and i've let you in
and you've cast your shadows and

i'm left in a haze
of wonderings, hollowing
fearful of your wants
of my wants, of "ours"...

what can i give
with the love beaten out of me?
how can i sing for a cage
to again swallow me?

but to live in your shadows
and the taste of your sweat
so my bluff's called again
in the buff of your skin...

i used to

tell you you were beautiful
and dote on you
and tell you how i loved you
and i missed the way you smiled

and every time i said it,
i couldn't understand why you would
brush it off so carelessly
as if it was a lie

and i realize now, you couldn't hear it
i realize now, you knew
if only i saw the secrets in there
i wouldn't have said a word

i used to bask in our dreams, dear
hold your hand as you drove
i build a lovely cabin in the clouds
and filled it up with us

but even when you tried to reach them
it always seemed too far
i always asked too much of you
you couldn't be the man i fell for

and i realize now, i couldn't see it
i realize now, i knew
if only i saw the secrets in there
i wouldn't have said a word

i could never be your woman

i could never be your woman	[31 Dec 2004|01:50pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | ::random:: ] looking into the new year with a certain voyeuristic curiosity... this has been an interesting number, this 2000-and-4, no? i entered it with a lot of optimism--though, i'm not well-known for my optimism, it did exist. and, laying on the floor of my apartment, listening to my mix of kitch, i'm trying to decide whether the optimism i'm currently feeling is realistic or just a break in my cynical demeanor. but cynics are the world's biggest optimists. gonna miss the girl... i've played so many roles this year, so many i never wanted, so many i never would've thought i'd play. my worst nightmares have come true, and yet, i don't know if i've ever been as happy as i was at a few memorable points. it makes me wonder, what else is there? does life calm down now? honestly, i've already lived almost every soap-opera plot i can remember, and done it with tones of victimization, of strength, of hopelessness, of drunken stupor...where does it go from here? i feel like i'm 75, looking back...i can't be the innocent one anymore, and naiivete is pretty much completely out...yet, there's so much potential. and the sky's blue, and it's on to wilco singing jesus, etc., and telling jesus not to cry. next?

goosh

when the corners of your mouth
are a little achy from the goofy smile they've
barely been hiding all day

and you start searching for reasons,
and only find giggles,
and are relaxed because, really, there's nothing wrong with that,

i don't have to be sad right now,
because i'm not.
clever is good.

I have a little frown between my eyes
from squinting at the words

my muscles feel relaxed & formless
except from my arms forced to be forward

late night reading
when you know you should be sleeping

is the best

I couldn't say it to you then
with all the troubles you have to face
but I really needed someone to talk to
but then was not the time

As I gain age I am learning not everything
should be shared
some things really need to just be kept close
and not spoken of

But I remember the days when we talked
well into the night
and I wish I could talk to you now

I just wanted to say I am proud of you for putting your stance on facebook. I know the fall out won't be fun, but I am proud that you said it anyways.