every time

every time i touch you
it feels like the last time
i'm not trying to tie you down

i found your shirt
and there's a spot on my pillow that smells like you
new but comforting

i wish you could've slept
i wish i could soothe the ghosts that move you
i suppose i can't

i'm not in love
i'm just infatuated with your lips
and how they make me smile

i just feel like we found each other in this deep pit both knee-deep in despair
and he offered to let me climb up on his shoulders
and from there, i started climbing up the walls towards the light
and he started climbing, but it was too hard
he kept grabbing at my ankles and making me slide down
because he didn't want to lose me
and eventually i just had to kick free
i don't know if i'm out but i'm so much closer
i can smell fresh air
i'm sad, but i'm not depressed

i didn't expect

i didn't expect to be
the light of your life
your sun or your wife
i want it some day,
but it's not likely you
so what is there to lose?

i don't understand the way
you're playing this game
you wax and you wane
you're switching each day
i'm excited or upset
in the drop of a hat

how do i tell you
to just let it come
we'll laugh and have fun
maybe i just didn't hide enough pain
or you found someone new
i just need a clue...

voyeur

it's so dark, this
swimming through
a maze
of clues of who
all the who's of you
and all of the obtrusions
i've passed too many
lines to see
i've seen too much
of your contusions
of your maybes
it's so shady
in there, so cold

there's no room for me
i'd run, too
i'm a creeper
slide in deeper
even when i knew too much
compulsed to watch
i've crossed the line
i looked too hard
alone and weird
in my obsessions
i just wanted to know
and this is how
your secret crumbles

what i miss about religion

i cast all my cares upon you
i lay all of my burdens
down at your feet
anytime i don't know
what to do
i just cast all my cares
upon you

now what i have is:
i am not in control
but it will be ok.

at a loss

at a loss for words
but compelled to write
my thoughts are blurred
my heart is frightened
i can't stop the racing
i can't soothe the aching
lord, what the hell am i doing?

i'm scaring him away
i do it on purpose
i'm watching my plays
they're making him nervous
he said he would stay
i'm calling his bluff
lord, what the hell am i doing?

he's kind
i'm nice
he kisses
i cry
i'm trying to stop
and i know he can't read me
i'm guarded, and cautious,
insecure, unfeeling

and why can't i let him
just do this natural
evolve in their ways
how i wanted to years ago
now all of the dramas
that nearly have killed me
have changed expectations
and now i can't let it be
now i am breaking
and crying and terrified
in spite of the aching
i just can't let him inside
dear lord, what the hell am i doing?

back then

you seemed so sure
you seemed to want
to hold my hand
to touch my hair
moving together
anxious as flames
you remember me fondly now

dressed yourself nice
and held open doors
i liked how you kissed
i liked how you laughed
you hid your face
and held me in darkness
frightened by us
afraid of the dance

the night we met
i etched you into my mind
i wasn't free, but someday
i have to admit
i had expectations
and nothing we did
nothing we did
disappointed

and when i ran
i ran so composedly
and when you lied
and said you'd call,
i said i'd like that
thus ended the game,
we both went our ways,
another failed romance

i seemed so sure
i seemed to want
to hold your hand
to touch your hair
moving together as
anxious as flames
i remember you fondly now