at a loss

at a loss for words
but compelled to write
my thoughts are blurred
my heart is frightened
i can't stop the racing
i can't soothe the aching
lord, what the hell am i doing?

i'm scaring him away
i do it on purpose
i'm watching my plays
they're making him nervous
he said he would stay
i'm calling his bluff
lord, what the hell am i doing?

he's kind
i'm nice
he kisses
i cry
i'm trying to stop
and i know he can't read me
i'm guarded, and cautious,
insecure, unfeeling

and why can't i let him
just do this natural
evolve in their ways
how i wanted to years ago
now all of the dramas
that nearly have killed me
have changed expectations
and now i can't let it be
now i am breaking
and crying and terrified
in spite of the aching
i just can't let him inside
dear lord, what the hell am i doing?