Smile by Lily Allen

When you first left me I was wanting more
But you were fucking that girl next door, what cha do that for (what cha do that for)
When you first left me I didn't know what to say
I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me you say that you want me back
And I tell you it don't mean jack, no it don't mean jack
I couldn't stop laughing, no I just couldn't help myself
See you messed up my mental health I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

am i even trying?

i feel like that answer is probably no.
i feel like i'm letting myself fall into
"unrequited."
i hang on your words
as if one of them is going to betray
you getting attached to me,
you actually feeling a
something more...
it's been so long, and yet!
how am i still falling?
i must be letting myself.
it must be because i want.
how do i make myself not want?

house thoughts part II

After checking my credit score
I looked at how much my bank would loan me
and it's intimidating
SO MUCH MONEY

anger

it's because i'm a dirty fucking liar
of course i wanted your issues
i let you imprint yourself on me
and now i'm dealing with your relief

and you crossed an unspoken line
with your unprecedented attentions
and snarky accusations
and what do i do now?

i can't trust myself to not want the things i wanted
to not do the things i did
i'm horrified at my lack of resolve
annoyed at your presence in my dreams

for six weeks,
you sure became significant.
and you've already moved on
out of sight, out of mind;

i think you're just like that.

I think of you during the day
and feel depressed when nothing happens that would be interesting to talk about
I like your interest
I like you next to me, feeling your heat on me
and I lean against you, listening to you talk
feeling your chest move as you sleep.
I saw you last night
and I miss you already
and I want to be with you
and it's frustrating that we're not next to each other right now

I can't wait for the weekend <3

You left early...

I feel the distance between us
growing neglectfully
and I try to include you
but you say no
not interested
not today
not those people

Today you said yes
but because you didn't know
but because you didn't bother enough to research
you weren't prepared
you got bored

and so have I failed more now
then when you just said no?

smart water

i keep trying to write but
all i have are
vicodin-infused dreams
of leaving you again
empty ramblings and
god i miss being in love
i miss feeling at home
i miss saying your name
i have no names to say
the ones on my mind are
ones i can't have
and they fade, they fade
you fade too
everything is empty
even if i'm not lonely
and i'm realizing
just because it ended
because it ended badly
doesn't mean it wasn't a success
it worked for years
and my focus is the failure
i will have to climb through
to get to another win
i'm not even afraid
i know i'm beautiful
i know i'm desirish
it's just gonna take time
waiting here at the starting line
figuring out how
to run the race