dear,

dear ex,

i know you miss me and the comfort i represented for so long. typing is hard, and sympathizing is harder. you fucked up and it is over. i hope the best for you, but can no longer be a part of that. take care, and please get help.

dear current,

i don't understand what has kept you from fulfilling my needs. i assume that i am going to have to move on with my life to get what i want/need, and that you won't factor in. i am sad about this, but know that it does not exist within reason.

dear life,

i am in control.

to learn how you think...

with an opening like that
things you learn with math
you should come over and kiss
my freshly scarred lips
i am hanging on your words
please, how do i play your game?

i laid out my hand
in your hollowed chest
and called your bid,
"come out of the darkness"

you never explained this darkness, though
and why you wanted to keep me in there

no more and no less
and now i am waiting
to see all the rest
of what you'll be playing

it's either a comfort to two who are running
or an end for those two who were just too scared

hm

i wonder if someone's replaced my voice in your head
someone whose joy and scorn is now guiding your way
someone who you talk to when you look in mirrors

i know you've missed me, and i can happily report
that i don't, that i haven't for a while now actually
the modifications i made gave me a new leg to stand on

but today, as i try to tell myself to move on again,
my thoughts drift back to you and who you were to me
and how so much has changed in the past few months

just wondering,

what it would be like to talk to you after all these years....your email left me elated, your subsequent flirtations and acknowledgments have made some of my best nights. i am not within reach anymore, now that you are no longer a wreck, and it doesn't seem fair. even if i had the guts to initiate a real conversation, i have no idea how it would go: we never did that before. i am tired of my bad timing. patience is not my virtue of choice, and only failure is worse. but it's times like these that i miss how happy you made me feel, even on the way to our end.

semi-unrelated, 5 years ago, after me and m's first breakup, i met jeremy. jeremy was 28, that seemed so old then. he was very prideful, not extremely attractive, but he had made something of himself and he knew it. he was retired.

we had a conversation: he said that the first half of your 20s are there for building up an identity, a reputation, and the last half is for destroying that identity. so true.

i spent the first 6 1/2 years of my 20s creating the "perfect me." the job, the pets, the boyfriend, the apartment. all of that is gone. it's not a bad change, it just happened so rapidly. it's all gone, in a matter of 4 months. technically only 3, since i've known about the job for a month.

it's all fucking gone.

smiling with my liver

i am prime real estate
i am smiling with my liver
i am not in a position
i am not alone
i am loved
i am changing old habits
i am going to be ok
i am on a diet coke diet
i am a girl who thinks deep thoughts
i am letting you go
i am going to have a good night

hi

you made this last month fly by
i like you, i think you like me
i don't want to bury you in cake
but i want you

i don't know if i can reconcile you,
it just takes a clever feller to fell me
are we still naturally evolving?
or are we on the way down