what it would be like to talk to you after all these years....your email left me elated, your subsequent flirtations and acknowledgments have made some of my best nights. i am not within reach anymore, now that you are no longer a wreck, and it doesn't seem fair. even if i had the guts to initiate a real conversation, i have no idea how it would go: we never did that before. i am tired of my bad timing. patience is not my virtue of choice, and only failure is worse. but it's times like these that i miss how happy you made me feel, even on the way to our end.
semi-unrelated, 5 years ago, after me and m's first breakup, i met jeremy. jeremy was 28, that seemed so old then. he was very prideful, not extremely attractive, but he had made something of himself and he knew it. he was retired.
we had a conversation: he said that the first half of your 20s are there for building up an identity, a reputation, and the last half is for destroying that identity. so true.
i spent the first 6 1/2 years of my 20s creating the "perfect me." the job, the pets, the boyfriend, the apartment. all of that is gone. it's not a bad change, it just happened so rapidly. it's all gone, in a matter of 4 months. technically only 3, since i've known about the job for a month.
it's all fucking gone.
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