Ponderings and angst

Sorry, I just need to vomit out all these thoughts - not enough time to prose them!

I think I am buying myself a shoe collection because every other woman I know at work already has one. I have some shoes I have been wearing to work for 8 years or more. Serviceable and boring, they are comfy. Now I am getting into exotic and trendy things. And they intimidate me every morning. But I bought them. I should wear them. Even if they will kill my spoilt feet by the end of the day...

I want to take my airline miles and fly to another state. Drive to Alaska. Something. I want a break and I want it now. Now. Now. Now. I keep feeling this urge to drive past work and keep going until I run out of gas. I don't that's very healthy!

Contemplating get hypnosis done to stop biting my nails. I know I have an oral fixation when stressed but if I can't do that I want to scratch myself. But, much like picking a doctor or therapist, I am going to need to shop around and price. (check) Now I have to meet these "doctors" which makes me nervous. I am fairly good at self hypnosis but the idea of someone else planting ideas into my head scares me. Can I have my sister there to hold my hand? I think it's still allowed at age 28, right?

I am really confused about my best friends and roommates right now.
=According to my mother, to whom I have described my bewildering interactions with Dan, says that I have written him off subconsciously and that's why I have no patience with him. She even asked me, when was the last time I looked him in the eye when I was talking to him? I wasn't sure. Now I try to consciously do it...and it's hard. I am not sure how to go back to when we were friends and had fun hanging out with each other. Maybe we aren't doing enough fun?
=I realized the other day that I am really disappointed in Leah and in a way, already grieving the end of our friendship. Over spring and summer I have developed a friendship with E & D, whom Leah used to work with. They always had fun together, and laughed a lot, but now that Leah has moved onto another job at another location it's like she has completely cut them out of her life. I have invited her several times to events and parties and she flatly refuses. I really like Leah and doing things with her...but I can anticipate one day being completely cut out of her life, too.
=I want to talk to Nick about all of the above. I am just waiting until he gets done with finals. I need more perspective!!

My energy is cold. In fact, it has a breeze to it. And it's sticky, like bath bubbles or sea foam. I am can manipulate it and stick to parts of me. Also, during meditation, I was perturbed to note I couldn't sense my right side. Research since then have confirmed that no, I did not have a psychic stroke paralyzing my right side! Whew.

So what do you do when you can easily imagine yourself pregnant and in a house of your own...but you aren't sure of what your partner's plans are? I can see myself in my parents' baby rocking chair, I see me gardening and vacuuming in "our" house. I seem him playing and cooing at our baby...But it's not what I would have wanted at 23!! I should give him time. I want to still travel and have fun boulder jumping. No kids in tow. But still contemplating the occasional wedding bell. Note: keep daydreams quiet!