i am haunted

friday night i came home. my apartment was a sauna. my home is still
a white box. furniture without me. personality has not yet moved in. i
am drinking too much lately. i'm listening to sad songs. keep thinking
of the lyrics here's to pretty girls/that went to our heads/here's to witty
girls who went to our beds. i am not easy. but i feel unmourned. i feel
as if i will always be left behind. second thoughts unhad. i am haunted
by the baby he didn't have. wondering if i still have that dream. am still
wondering if i can forgive. am crying myself to sleep. am drinking too
much. still constantly wanting connection. still missing the last failure.

i put myself to bed. after 3? 4? glasses of red wine. after 2 beers. after 3
tall glasses of champagne. i ate chinese. i wasn't exactly his type. i still
try to get used to single. i should be single. i took a cold shower. i turned
off lights and collapsed naked into bed. water evaporates. also puts off
the sweating. and he came to me. he was laughing, and we were happy.
there was none of the wall. there was no pretense. there was no unknown.
and he was him in my memory. not him when i was not attracted. not
him when he was awkward. he fit his skin. we were obviously lovers. we
were on an equal plain. we knew eachother. he kissed me. we laughed.

as if it had always been. we held eachother's bodies. as if it was our own.
it was exciting. it was exactly what i've always wanted. and i knew that
it was exactly what he wanted. it got intimate. it passed kissing. it got
explicit, and continued. it got close to ecstasy. and continued. then i
remembered. i remembered he wasn't mine. i remembered that i was
alone. and i looked into his eyes. and he looked sad. all of a sudden.

there was a haze. my eyes opened slowly and i saw. there was something
standing by my bed. it was odd, and sad. it was dead, and watching me.
i knew it had made this dream for me. it liked to see me happy. it knew
exactly what i wanted. but i knew it hurt. because it could only give me
dreams of other people. i knew it made the boys i brought home unable
to sleep. and it looked sad. and then it faded away. and i was alone again.

i turned on my lights. i looked around. my room is a small white box. i
cried a little. i had a quick thought that maybe he had the same dream.
i know he didn't. i am unhappy. i am unhappy because someone doesn't
want to know me. because he has been in 2 dreams now, which seems
as if it should be significant. but i get the feeling that he will not allow
himself to be significant. just how i felt each time was the last. because at
the end of the day, i am haunted. and i am trying not to drink too much.