wants

i've been in a terrible mood lately. i looked a gift horse in the mouth, and it decided to move on. now i'm trying to be happy with the good things it left behind, but the lack of romantic attachment is making me feel like i'm in limbo and I DO NOT LIKE. restless, angsty, compulsive and self-deprecating thoughts flow through my mind like butter on a hot corn cob. i have no patience for other people's issues; i have no patience for my intense emotional damage levels. i feel like a freak.

i have been doing yoga to combat this. bikram yoga is my drug of choice: it makes me feel the pain in a physical way, and brings both exhaustion (which i need) and focus (which i also need). it also brings muscle definition in a matter of days--two days and i no longer have any semblance of "mom arms," and my stomach feels solid, not the worst of side effects. if i can keep up with my goal of 4-5 times a week, i will be in the best physical shape of my life.

which brings me to my actual wants. part of being in a bad mood is when i realized that all of the goals i have are centered around a loss of discomfort, rather than something that brings me closer to happiness. which made me address, what do i consider "happiness"?

i've been going back and forth on the concept of kids. i always thought i wanted them before, that i would make an excellent mother, that i would be able to prevent a good amount of the bad things that had happened to me growing up. and then i realized just how many people think that, and how emotionally damaged i am, and how many fucking awful kids there are in this world. and then, my chances of being able to afford kids, the chance that i may not even be able to have kids, my chances of being able to be in a stable enough relationship to raise kids, my timeline, and the fact that i'm probably going to wind up the "bad cop" parent because i'm attracted to guys like my dad, who was always the "good cop." it's all very daunting. if i do kids, i want to do them right. i'd rather not do it at all if i can't.

but then the recurring dream comes back, the one where i have a doting husband that is so excited to be a father and so proud he knocked me up, the one where we're that cool couple that no one seems to mind has procreated, it just makes sense, the one where the kids crawl in bed with us and snuggle up next to us for warmth.

i want that.

i want to be out of this limbo and in the reality i've always dreamed of.